dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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