mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
