OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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