awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
