he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
