I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
