I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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