I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
