Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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