I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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