imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
