remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
