dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
