does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
