well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
