I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
