If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
