Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
