So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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