I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
