All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
