tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
