the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
