you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
