I'm gonna have a badass scar
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
