i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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