omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His nipple licking is glorious
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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