I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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