i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
