I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
