i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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