Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
