Christians are straight up FREAKS
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
