I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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