its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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