i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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