vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I see more hoeing in ur future
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
