Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is it because I queefed?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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