Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
