Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
