I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
