Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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