pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i believe in u and ur pee
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
