gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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