oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
