is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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