guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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