I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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