My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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