i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
