can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
