Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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