she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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