after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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