I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
