yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
