Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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