This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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